Sunday, October 25, 2009

The Neurotic Writer Meets a Vampire

Welcome to another episode of
The Neurotic Writer
(Just for laughs)

Suzie Writer: “Doc! I think I was bitten by a very HOT vampire! I hope he didn’t
turn me. Do you think I would look good hanging upside down like a bat? I don’t
think I so. What do you wear when you're hanging by beam?”

Therapist: “Before you go getting yourself all upset, remember you once thought
you showered with a werewolf.”

Suzie Writer: “No I didn’t. I snuck out the window to come see you while the werewolf
was showering. Gee! You don’t have a very good memory, do you? Anyway, I met this
vampire at a party last night. I think I attract these men because I am one of the few
who believes in the paranormal. Like I said, Doc, he was HOT!”

Therapist: “A Halloween party? (Her eyes glaze over with a memory from her distant
past.) I suppose this vampire wore a long, black cape with a collar shadowing his strong,
square jaw.”

Suzie Writer: “No. He was dressed as Hannah Montana. If he dressed as a vampire
people might figure out his secret. But I have to tell you; it was oddly erotic to have a
man wearing a long, blonde wig sucking on your neck.”

Therapist: “Just because a man sucks on your neck does not mean he is a vampire.”

Suzie Writer: “It does if he declines your garlic olive and peanut butter appetizers,
avoids sitting in the bean bag chair beneath the cross on the living room wall, and then
sinks his fangs into your neck. (She moves her hair back away from her neck for the
therapist to inspect.”

Therapist: “(Taking a closer look.) Those are mosquito bites. There’s a third one
behind your ear.”

Suzie Writer: “Oh. Never mind. (Stares at the ceiling for a long moment.) You know.
I think the real Bill Clinton was at the party last night. He wouldn’t stop playing with
his cigar and he chased some poor girl wearing a blue dress.”

Therapist: “Sounds like Clinton to me.”