Just for Laughs. The Top Ten Reasons to Live in Arizona:
10. If you stand on your tiptoes, you can touch the sun.
9. Wildlife frolics around you; bunnies run through your yard, baby quail follow their mother through the golf course, and coyotes follow your cat everywhere it goes.
8. Arizonians love to inner tube down flash floods. Do a headcount ahead of time, so you’ll know who to report missing.
7. Arizona is the new Hollywood. That car free falling from the freeway ramp is being driven by a stuntman or Lindsey Lohan.
6. Arizona is so close to Vegas and Mexico; you can sing with Wayne Newton, gamble with a transvestite hooker named Brandy Twotits and wake up in Nogales between a mule and a bottle of Jose Cuervo.
5. When you discover your wallet is missing and you sneak back across the border, you can meet our infamous sheriff, Joe Arpaio. He might toss you in tent city, dress you in pretty pink underwear, and feed you green baloney. If you’re sitting next to a well-known boxer who has bitten off an ear or two, confess to anything and get yourself moved to death row. (You should have never gone to Vegas.)
4. Phoenicians will be able to float in their pools and watch the alien invasion. (Not the one at the border, the other one.) The Air Force never explained away those lights hovering over the city to my satisfaction. Do aliens have a Myspace page?
3. The red rocks of Sedona are inspiring. I hear you can stand in one of the vortexes and the spirits will speak to you. Of course, spending too much time with liquid spirits will make you see vortexes and rocks will speak to you.
2. Every year, Glendale has the Chocolate Affair. We dip everything in chocolate and watch you eat it. The city invited Fabio for 2008. If he comes, we’ll dip him in chocolate and…
The Number One Reason to Live in Arizona is…
1. You can now walk out over the Grand Canyon without a parachute. A glass “horseshoe” juts out over the canyon so you can walk out and look down. Don’t worry about erosion or earthquakes: this overpriced fair ride cost millions of dollars, so it has to be safe. I wonder if they sell gift certificates. My old boyfriend needs a vacation.
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