TOP TEN REASONS TO AVOID EXERCISE:
(Just for laughs―Names have been misspelled to protect the innocent: Me.)
10. You’ll sprain something, like your dignity. Ever see a size 48DDD do jumping jacks? Sure you have, she’s the poor woman with the broken sports bra and two black eyes.
9. It sweats off your makeup, exposing your blemishes and the hickeys you acquired while drunk during the office Christmas party-at The White House. Who was that man with the cigar?
8. You could break a nail. How can you shove your manuscript over the bathroom tile, toward the editor in the next stall, with flourish, if you’re missing a press-on?
7. You’ll breathe hard, which should only be done while (get your mind out of the gutter) reading suspense scenes in romance novels. “Don’t go in the basement, you too-stupid-to live heroine!”
6. You need that derriere cushion. Keeps you anchored while you read or write. Haven’t you heard, “Weeebles wobble, but they don’t fall down.”
5. Exercise is a con. It was invented by the candy companies… Oh, no. That was Halloween. Never mind.
4. It makes you drink water. Down with bland H2O! Up with mind altering, nerve shattering, wallet-busting frapppucinos with triple espresso shots! Say that twelve times fast, then get a refill.
3. Exercise is frightening. Just thinking about the StairMuster can bring on alternating asthma and panic attacks.
2. Exercise takes time away from reading romance novels; a sin in my book, right after, “Thou shalt not covet they neighbor’s Nora collection.” (There’s plenty for everyone.)
AND FINALLY, THE TOP REASON TO AVOID EXERCISE IS…
1. It’s dangerous to your health. If that young, petite, blonde laughs at my spandex shorts one more time, I’m going to tape electrodes to her ThighMuster.
Now get out from under those weights and run-okay, drive-to your nearest bookstore and buy, buy, buy. The woman with the biggest romance collection, with the greatest number of authors wins!
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